there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
