She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
