I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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