girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
