I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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