Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
