Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
