I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
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Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
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So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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