I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
