We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
