So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
