I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
