Cold hands, warm shart.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
bring money and cleavage
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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