Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
