It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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