I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
