just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
