this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
