whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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