I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
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There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
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The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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