I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
nutella sex= disaster
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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