the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
