I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
