I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
