a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
