First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
All the doctor said was why
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
