Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
