Your face is a jimmy john
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
