hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
