Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
