I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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