hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Randomize
