My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
