She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
this hospital has no fireball
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
