go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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