The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
