Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
