I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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