Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
