my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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