Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Did I show you my penis last night?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
