Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
