Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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