Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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