6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The best revenge is premature balding
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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