This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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