Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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