I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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