There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
