I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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