I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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