Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
