Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
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You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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