On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
