the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
