i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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