Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
