Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
