I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
